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If kids could write the rules for their moms.

Posted by Becca on 9/4/2014 to Mom Madness

Rules for mommies

(as “dictated” by my children as infants/toddlers)

1) Your boobs must always be available. This is the most important rule of all. I may not want to nurse at this very moment, but I will want to repeatedly throughout the day and it’s just easier to keep it out where I can reach it and consume at my convenience. Just so it’s clear, you’re my all­you­can­eat, open 24/7 buffet. Got that?

2) Anything you eat, I eat. I can hear you when you’re trying to sneak a granola bar or a glass of milk in the kitchen and you think I’m playing happily with my blocks.

That is not allowed! Just bring the food out to me and save us all some trouble.

And at mealtime, don’t bother giving me a separate helping. I don’t want what’s on my tray. I want what you are eating.

3) It is actually just best if I eat all the time. All. The. Time.

4) When I wake up, you must hold me immediately. There must be a good 10 minutes of snuggle time and/or nursing between the time I wake up and the time that you put me down. And never, ever change my diaper when I’m hungry! I don’t care how smelly I am. I will touch that poopy mess and put it everywhere. Food. Comes. First. Period.

5) You need to hold me all the time. I prefer being in your arms to anything. That’s where I feel safe and happy, and you have a great vantage point.

6) I don’t want you holding me all the time. Give me my independence and put me down every once in awhile. Sometimes, you make me feel claustrophobic!

7) Didn’t you hear me? I was serious about being held all the time. You’re pretty good at doing things with one arm, right?

8) When you are around, you are to be holding me. I love Daddy and all, but he’s second fiddle. He’s useless as long as you’re around. I mean, have you seen his nipples? No milk, whatsoever. WHAT’S THE POINT OF NIPPLES WITHOUT MILK???

9) Wait, why did you just take me away from Daddy? He’s really fun! Okay, in the future, I prefer to be with you; but right now, I’m staying with Daddy.

10) I am abolishing naptime. I’d rather cope with my exhaustion by rubbing my eyes and having a temper tantrum on the floor. Besides, if you’re holding me all the time, I can just sleep on you! You have nothing better to do, right? Isn’t that what you bought that super, long piece of fabric for? So you never have to put me down?

11) You may not go to the bathroom. Ever. You don’t see me using the potty, do you?

12) Fine, if you must, you can go to the bathroom, but I come with you. Every time. And I may demand to sit on your lap just to be safe, especially since that’s the best place for reaching the toilet paper.

13) You may not walk out of any room I am playing in for any period of time. I don’t care if you say “I’ll be right back.” We both know that really means, “I’m permanently abandoning you.” I must have you in my sight at all times, do you understand?

14) Group hugging is forbidden. I don’t care if my sister/brother/Daddy wants you. I expect that both of your arms will be used to hug me anytime there is a hug. I do not want to share. If my sister/brother/Daddy is hugging you, it means that I must be hugged. By myself. All the hugs are for me.

15) You must tuck me in when I go to sleep or I will scream. When you leave, I will remove the blanket and may scream anyway.

16) There will be no, actual sleeping when I’m in your bed no matter how much you try to snuggle me and hold me close. Your bed is for playing, not sleeping. I want to be there all the time—in your bed I mean. Being there in the middle of the night is the best because Daddy’s there and he’s so still that I can tickle him and watch him flinch. Then, you decided to play hide and seek with your eyes but I know where you hid them so I poke them just to be sure. Yep! There they are!

17) My butt is irritated in this dirty diaper. I would like you to relieve me of the irritation without changing the diaper. You can manage that, right?

18) I know I don’t use words yet but that’s no excuse for you not to understand what I’m trying to tell you. I’m pointing and grunting, aren’t I?

19) When you play with things, I want to play with them. Cell phones, remote controls, computers—just let me touch, eat, and bang on them and no one will start screaming.

20) Speaking of that, you should always allow me free access to things with buttons, lights, and wires. Those are the best toys. You are no longer allowed to hide those things when I come near.

21) I must be allowed free reign when it comes to eating dirt, chalk, and grass.

Frankly, anytime I’m outside, I am allowed to eat anything and go anywhere.

22) You may not say “No.” Ever.

23) If I see it, you need to give it to me. If I want it, you need to give it to me. If you have it, you need to give it to me. If my sister/brother has it, you really need to give it to me.

24) If you put me in my best, Sunday outfit, I will find dirt or mud and experience it to the best of my five senses. If you buy me a brand new cloth diaper, I will poop and pee in it just to make sure it’s a good one. If you bathe me, I will coat my body in peanut butter, bananas, cereal, milk, spaghetti sauce... I know you thought those cheerios couldn’t make a mess, but I’m creative. I’ll find a way.

25) Boundaries are a no­ no. There will be no boundaries when I want to play with something, no boundaries when I want to play with someone, and absolutely no boundaries, whatsoever, when it comes to being with you. You’re my favorite. I love you, Mommy!

Did we miss any rules your kids or babies might come up with if they were making rules for you? Comment letting us know!