Babywearing a Poop Bomb
I feel it before I smell it. First, itís like a little jetstream, a shot of air, warm and forceful against my belly. Then, itís wet. Finally itís smelly. Iím in the craft store for a quick errand before going home when Baby Bear decides to have a poop bomb that exceeds the limits of the pocket diaper, onesie, and sleeper heís wearing, and donít ask me the brand of diaper, I donít remember specifically, but itís a good one. It was a brand that moms like me swear by and for my little poop monster, it still wasnít enough.
So, I stand there as the warm poop starts expanding over my belly and his legs and I panick for a minute.
Yes, I have them.
Change of clothes?
No. Pretty sure I donít. Itís cold outside. What am I going to do, carry him around in a blanket?
I canít think about that right now.
Can I let him sit in it? No, canít do that either.
Wish they sold baby clothes here. They donít.
What to do?
I should do something.
ďMommy, can I get this princess pen?Ē Your daughterís voice is a wake≠up call.
I need to go change this diaper. This very poopy diaper. In a public restroom.
This is not awful.
ďCímon, Bunny. Youíre little brother just pooped all over me and himself. We gotta go change him.Ē
The Diaper Change
Thankfully the bathroom at the craft store has a nice, big handicapped stall with a changing station inside. I give Bunny strict instructions to stand back, donít sit on the floor, and for goodness sake, ďDONíT TOUCH ANYTHING, okay Sweetie?Ē Now smile at her. She doesnít realize youíre just stressed over the poop that is still seeping into your clothes. ďSorry, Baby. I just donít want you to get gross germs all over you and your brother pooped EVERYwhere and Iím just a little frustrated.Ē
I open the changing table, roll out his changing pad, hang the diaper bag on the door hook and the wet bag on the measly one they tried to carve out of the changing table. I try to maneuver his wipes to a spot where his long≠reaching little grabby hands wouldnít get them and then I take a deep breath.
Just dive in and do it, Becca. Itís not so bad.
YES IT IS! WEíRE AT THE STORE AND I DONĒT HAVE MY DIAPER SPRAYER!
Wait, what about his change of clothes???
Hastily paw through his diaper bag. There! At the bottom of a bag! Itís a sleeper. Dang it!
Itís a blanket sleeper. How am I going to babywear that? How is that supposed to go in a carseat? Iíll cross that bridge once Iíve waded through this. Whatever. At least he wonít be naked
Okay. Deep breath. Another one. Itís not gonna be that bad.
Unclip the Boba carrier. Pull out the giggly, drippy baby. Check my clothes. Yes, there is poop through both shirts. Nope, itís not as bad as I thought. Glad Iím wearing navy today! Lay him on the mat. Open his sleeper. Oh man! He might as well have just poured the soupy, yellow poop into sleeperís leg. Itís full of poop right down to the fleecy toes. Thank goodness I have lots of wipes today. Pull the sleeper off c≠a≠r≠e≠f≠u≠l≠l≠y now.
Grow a third arm to hold back the happy hands that want to grab the sleeper and eat the poop while you manage to take it off without making the mess worse. Place it into the wet bag before more harm is done. Meanwhile, you and your daughter should make lots of noise about how gross this all is. It keeps her occupied so she wonít touch the germy floor or the wall with her hands. It also keeps other customers amused who are so lucky as to walk in right now. Wipe down his onesie. Take the onesie off. Manage to get it over the head without getting poop in the babyís mouth. Still hold the hands back with your third arm. Wipe down the outside of the diaper first. Open the diaper and place in wet bag with sleeper and onesie and the 10 wipes you already used. Finally, weíre to the naked bottom now. Wipe down his bottom. Wipe his foot because he kicked the one spot on bottom that hasnít been cleaned yet. Wipe his bottom again with the very last baby wipe. Wipe down the changing pad with the same wipe. Phew! Baby is clean!
Deep, cleansing breath. Smile at the giggly baby. He wasnít trying to make your day more difficult. Heís just happy his bowels are free. Giggle with him. Smile at the happy little girl in the corner who is so amused at the sight of you and her brother covered in poop. Put him in the blanket sleeper. Yes, thatís it. Itís not so bad. You can just fold his feet under him when you put him back in the Boba carrier. And thereís only a smidgeon of poop on the carrier itself. It can easily be wiped off. There. Thatís it. The babyís in.
Deep breath. Put everything back in his diaper bag. Place the bag on my back and grab Bunnyís hand. Did she touch anything? No. She was very obedient. Deep breath. To the sink. Wash my hands. Wash Bunnyís for good measure. Baby Bear is so happy now. Heís talking and giggling. Should I wash his hands? I should, but I canít do that without taking him out of the carrier and losing my grip on Bunnyís hand. I used the baby wipe on them didnít I? Another deep breath. What about the carseat? What about getting the buckle through his legs? Donít worry about that now. Thatís it. Go find your shopping cart. Itís right where you left it. Grab the yarn. Open up the coupon on your phone and get to the register as quickly as possible.
ďMommy, look! Itís a Princess Ariel book?Ē
ďYes, dear. Letís just keep walking. ď
ďBut Mommy do you see? Did you see it? It was Ariel!Ē
ďMhm. I saw it. Sheís lovely. Keep walking.Ē
Those darn books, strategically placed to lure preschoolers when Mommies or Daddies just want to get safely through the store and out without any extra purchases. Great.
Youíre doing your job, craft store chain. Oops! You walked too close to the fake flowers.
Baby Bear just extricated a rose from the silk arrangement with his super swift go≠go≠ gadget arm. Put the flower back while holding Bunnyís wrist in a vice grip. She wants a flower too now. Thatís it. Keep walking. Weíre in line. ďYes, Bunny, I see the candy. No you may not have any.Ē Sigh! I can still feel the poopy moisture on my belly. Donít think about it now. The ladyís telling us itís our turn. Give her the coupon. Sheís putting the yarn in the bag. Weíre almost there. So close!
Okay. We made it out the door. Almost there now. Put Bunny in her carseat and buckle. Put the diaper bag in the front seat. Deep breath. Get in the back seat and close the door. Place Baby Bear in the carseat and unzip his blanket sleeper. Pull one little naked leg out into the cold so you can correctly attach the harness buckle through his legs. I hate that heís cold, but Iíd rather his carseat be adjusted correctly than he be warm and insecure in an accident. Heís crying now. He doesnít like the seat, the belt, or his naked leg. ďItís okay, Baby Bear. It wonít be long now. Hereís a blanket, little one. Thatís better isnít it?Ē It isnít because heís still screaming as if enduring torture. Kiss the screaming baby, tell the little girl that yes you know sheís hungry but weíll be home soon and she can eat. Tell her again 30 seconds later as youíre driving out of the parking lot.
You might as well just record this part and play it on repeat because sheís going to keep telling you the entire 15 minute car ride home. And while youíre at it, crank up the music and find your happy place because Baby Bear is going to scream about his naked leg during the entire trip as well. Itís okay. Youíre not a bad mom. He wonít remember this by the time you get a boob in his mouth later anyway. He wonít remember any of it.
Bunny might, but it will just make her laugh. Iím not laughing. Not yet. I think I will, though. Maybe when the kids are asleep and Iím alone in the quiet living room with a fuzzy blanket and a hot cocoa. Yes. Thatís when this will be funny.
Can you relate to this horror story? Ever been caught without clean diapers, clothes or any other vital baby care item when you need it most? Share with us!