Donít you ever wish your kids were born with a full vocabulary and complete reasoning
skills? Sometimes, when my son suddenly starts screaming at the end of the nap or
whining when heís frustrated about a toy I wish he could just verbalize it. Wouldnít it be
easy that way? I mean, itís not like I donít know what he wants. I know him well enough
that I can read his body language, the tone of his voice, or the expression on his face.
But still. It would be nice if he could just say:
ďMom, I pooped and you didnít notice. Itís starting to get uncomfortable. Thatís why
Iím suddenly unhappy. Please change my diaper.Ē
ďMom, Iím fully capable of swallowing this food, I just prefer not to. Iím pretending not
to be able to swallow so I can just keep nursing exclusively. Can you just wait a couple of
months to introduce people food to me? Scratch that. Iím going to nurse until Iím at least
Frankly, I feel it wouldnít only be helpful to have a baby fully express himself, it might be
downright funny as well.
ďMom, I know this teddy bear outfit is super cute to you, and I know that strangers
everywhere stop you and tell you how adorable I am, but itís not adorable. I hate this
thing! Whenever you put it on it means Iím going to be shoved into that uncomfortable car
seat where I wonít be able to move around or be held. Canít I just be naked and be free
to crawl around the back seat of the car when you drive to the store?Ē
ďMom, you know, this teether was great yesterday but today, itís passť. Iíd really
prefer you gave me that shiny, pointy fork in your hand. Better yet, your cell phone. Or
the power cord for the computer. Iím sure those would taste much better. No, Mom. Iím
serious. Give. Them. To. Me. NOW!Ē
ďMom, canít you tell Iím cutting a tooth? Two of them actually. Fair warning. Iím
going to be super fussy and needy for the next week. You should just put the amber
necklace on me now. Oh, and prepare not to have any clean dishes or laundry either
because Iím not going to want to be put down during this time. And I plan on waking up
during the night too, so be sure to nap when I nap. Wait. Scratch that. I donít plan on
napping very much so youíre just going to be exhausted for the next couple weeks.Ē
ďMom, my sister is SO FUNNY when sheís being loud and rough with me. Canít you
just let her keep doing it? I like it! NOÖno, wait I was wrong. I donít like it. Mom, SAVE
ME!!! Mom, save me NOW!Ē
ďMom, why donít you just keep your breast out all the time? It would certainly save
you the trouble of opening and closing your bra (which always takes far too long anyway),
and I can just nurse at the drop of a hat that way! Yes, breast out and I never leave your
hip. That would be ideal."
ďMom, I hear that youíre up. I donít care if itís 4:30 in the morning and youíre just
trying to have some time to yourself and Iím fully capable of continuing to sleep. If youíre
up, I want to be up. Drop what youíre doing and come get me. ď
ďWaitÖwhy is Daddy holding me? He doesnít have boobs. MOM!Ē
ďLet me save you a half hour of trying to figure this out: one of your hairs is wrapped
around my toe.Ē
ďMom, you know, I wanted my toy until I saw your coffee. PLEASE give me your
coffee. It looks absolutely fantastic, and youíre putting it in your mouth, so why donít you
let me have at it too?Ē
ďWhat? Youíre putting me down? Why? Why donít you just pee in a diaper like me? Itís great because someone else deals with the mess for you!Ē
Itís not just infants who should have full control of their speech. Preschoolers need it
tooóin that they need to be able to use their speech in reasonable ways. Now, granted,
my daughter has an amazing vocabulary and can express herself better than most kids
her age, but sometimes forgoes that for a temper tantrum in the sudden shock of ďIím not
getting what I want right now!Ē she resorts to screaming, growling, and impressive bodily
contortions followed shortly by chameleon≠like discoloration of her face. Also,
preschoolers should come with the ability to understand and accept sound reasoning. I
wish I could simply discuss things rationally with her. I do try, but she often canít hear
me above the screaming. Or, if I wait until the screaming is over, she starts it again. It
would be nice if our conversations could be calm and rational like this:
Bunny: I realize that we have naptime every day, but I like to pretend itís news to me
that it is going to happen every time you mention it because Iím hoping youíll forget about
Me: You need your rest. You know you get grumpy without a nap. Yesterday you
told me you werenít tired and then you slept for three hours. You need to take a nap.
And let me break it to you now: Iím going to give you a nap every day because I need a
nap every day. That wonít stop until you go to school so you might as well stop fighting it.
Bunny: Okay, that makes perfect sense. Now that you put it that way, I admit that I am
truly exhausted. I was just hoping to play and ignore my sleepiness and then take it out
on you later with some yelling and screaming, but your way makes better sense. Iím
going to sleep quietly and you should get some sleep to, Mommy, because Baby Bear will
only sleep for a little bit and you need your rest.
Me: Bunny, itís winter. You cannot wear that dress without a sweater over it and
tights underneath it.
Bunny: Well, this is what I want. I want the short sleeve dress with flip≠flops because
itís what I envisioned in my head as perfect and now that Iíve got it in my mind to dress
this way I canít imagine any other outfit and if you try to change it youíll RUIN it because
Iím a fairy princess and fairy princesses donít wear sweaters or tights.
Me: Fairy princesses dress warmly when itís cold too because they donít want to
freeze. Donít you remember what happened to Tinker Belleís wings when she didnít wear
her coat? (Thanks for that, Disney!)
Bunny: Now, that makes perfect sense! Iíll go change right away, Mommy. Thanks for
making sure all my needs are met. I wouldnít want to lose a limb to frostbite.
Or maybe this:
Bunny: Iíd like to sit in the shopping cart basket seat with my little brother. And Iíd like
to get a lollipop. Those are the things I want and nothing else will do. I canít really focus
on anything but getting those two things. Mommy, letís stop what weíre doing and take
care of that, k?
Me: There isnít room for you in the seat with your brother. Donít you remember you
never wanted to sit in there before he sat there? And I love your teeth so much Iím going
to say no to the lollipop because I want you to have those teeth for a long time. When
you eat too much sugar, you get holes in your teeth. Also, it doesnít make your tummy
feel too good.
Bunny: Now that you put it that way, I realize that youíre saying No to me because
you love me and you want the best for me. You donít actually want to ruin all my fun. Iíll
just walk quietly and calmly next to the shopping cart and I wonít even look at the candy
as we walk past it. I also realize that you are on a tight schedule and my stopping to
distract you is just going to make us late for the chiropractor appointment later, so I wonít
bring anything else up until weíre in the car.
Of course, if things did go that way, parenting would lose some of itís spice. Iíll admit,
even when everything is a guessing game and I fall into a bed after a long day and feel
like I lost a long wrestling match of the wills, there has never been anything more
rewarding than parenting my two, sweet babies. Despite the times I get frustrated at their
inability to express themselves, I honestly wouldnít have it any other way.
Kim H Date 3/26/2014
Love the one about why daddy is holding me - he doesn't have boobs! I swear that is what my 6 month old thinks!
Desiree Trogdon Date 3/26/2014
Yes! The teething part, that's what my Seth is saying to me now!!
Rachel Date 3/26/2014
"mommy, obey my command... You WILL hold me if I'm not sleeping, you WILL Cuddle and kiss all day long, and dinner and house work will just have to wait. Tough luck daddy. Mwahh hahahaha! "
Yup. That's about right.
Colleen Cameron Date 3/28/2014
Haha, I'm with Kim H. And why, why is this most true from the hours of 7 pm to 7 am???
Amanda Felton Date 3/28/2014
Since I am a chatterbox, I am positive my husband is very glad babies aren't born talking. My 3 year old has taken after me and I know we sometimes drive him crazy ;)
Valerie Date 3/28/2014
Sounds just like my 3 year old and 6 month old. Especially the one about daddy holding me, but he doesn't have boobs.
Sarah Reichart Date 3/28/2014
"Dad you're nice and all but Mom feeds me. Now move your beard!"
Shayna Marks Date 3/29/2014
I would love it if my daughter could just verbalize what's wrong and what she wants. Then again once she starts talking she may be a chatter box.
Nicole Date 3/29/2014
While I would like if my LO could tell me what he needs with words, I'm glad he's still a baby and doesn't talk. makes him learning to talk more exciting and he has his own way of communicating already
Jayna Harris Date 3/30/2014
I use baby sign language so we communicate some, but I would love to be able to fully communicate and know what is going on in his head!
Cynthia Date 4/4/2014
I loved the experience of watching them learn. Talking and understanding is so important in our world but we can slow down to be part of these special moments in their lives.
Rachel N Date 4/17/2014
I like the peace and quiet of the baby stage. Yes they cry but I don't have to answer a million why questions or repeat myself 15 times because although they keep asking what they aren't actually listening. My daughter is 15 months now though and I could really do with her learning some more words to curb the whinning.
Mo Lipnitz Date 6/4/2014
While bit would be fantastic at times to know exactly what she wants, I would miss all of these great moment of complete jibber jabber. They are wonderful and precious. Besides, as they say, be careful what you wish for!!
Aaron Date 2/12/2015
The boobs one. Happens all the time!!