But still. It would be nice if he could just say:
ďMom, I pooped and you didnít notice. Itís starting to get uncomfortable. Thatís why Iím suddenly unhappy. Please change my diaper.Ē
ďMom, Iím fully capable of swallowing this food, I just prefer not to. Iím pretending not to be able to swallow so I can just keep nursing exclusively. Can you just wait a couple of months to introduce people food to me? Scratch that. Iím going to nurse until Iím at least 18.Ē
Frankly, I feel it wouldnít only be helpful to have a baby fully express himself, it might be downright funny as well.
ďMom, I know this teddy bear outfit is super cute to you, and I know that strangers everywhere stop you and tell you how adorable I am, but itís not adorable. I hate this thing! Whenever you put it on it means Iím going to be shoved into that uncomfortable car seat where I wonít be able to move around or be held. Canít I just be naked and be free to crawl around the back seat of the car when you drive to the store?Ē
ďMom, you know, this teether was great yesterday but today, itís passť. Iíd really prefer you gave me that shiny, pointy fork in your hand. Better yet, your cell phone. Or the power cord for the computer. Iím sure those would taste much better. No, Mom. Iím serious. Give. Them. To. Me. NOW!Ē
ďMom, canít you tell Iím cutting a tooth? Two of them actually. Fair warning. Iím going to be super fussy and needy for the next week. You should just put the amber necklace on me now. Oh, and prepare not to have any clean dishes or laundry either because Iím not going to want to be put down during this time. And I plan on waking up during the night too, so be sure to nap when I nap. Wait. Scratch that. I donít plan on napping very much so youíre just going to be exhausted for the next couple weeks.Ē
ďMom, my sister is SO FUNNY when sheís being loud and rough with me. Canít you just let her keep doing it? I like it! NOÖno, wait I was wrong. I donít like it. Mom, SAVE ME!!! Mom, save me NOW!Ē
ďMom, why donít you just keep your breast out all the time? It would certainly save you the trouble of opening and closing your bra (which always takes far too long anyway), and I can just nurse at the drop of a hat that way! Yes, breast out and I never leave your hip. That would be ideal."
ďMom, I hear that youíre up. I donít care if itís 4:30 in the morning and youíre just trying to have some time to yourself and Iím fully capable of continuing to sleep. If youíre up, I want to be up. Drop what youíre doing and come get me. ď
ďWaitÖwhy is Daddy holding me? He doesnít have boobs. MOM!Ē
ďLet me save you a half hour of trying to figure this out: one of your hairs is wrapped around my toe.Ē
ďMom, you know, I wanted my toy until I saw your coffee. PLEASE give me your coffee. It looks absolutely fantastic, and youíre putting it in your mouth, so why donít you let me have at it too?Ē
ďWhat? Youíre putting me down? Why? Why donít you just pee in a diaper like me? Itís great because someone else deals with the mess for you!Ē
Itís not just infants who should have full control of their speech. Preschoolers need it tooóin that they need to be able to use their speech in reasonable ways. Now, granted, my daughter has an amazing vocabulary and can express herself better than most kids her age, but sometimes forgoes that for a temper tantrum in the sudden shock of ďIím not getting what I want right now!Ē she resorts to screaming, growling, and impressive bodily contortions followed shortly by chameleon≠like discoloration of her face. Also, preschoolers should come with the ability to understand and accept sound reasoning. I wish I could simply discuss things rationally with her. I do try, but she often canít hear me above the screaming. Or, if I wait until the screaming is over, she starts it again. It would be nice if our conversations could be calm and rational like this:
Bunny: I realize that we have naptime every day, but I like to pretend itís news to me that it is going to happen every time you mention it because Iím hoping youíll forget about it.
Me: You need your rest. You know you get grumpy without a nap. Yesterday you told me you werenít tired and then you slept for three hours. You need to take a nap.
And let me break it to you now: Iím going to give you a nap every day because I need a nap every day. That wonít stop until you go to school so you might as well stop fighting it.
Bunny: Okay, that makes perfect sense. Now that you put it that way, I admit that I am truly exhausted. I was just hoping to play and ignore my sleepiness and then take it out on you later with some yelling and screaming, but your way makes better sense. Iím going to sleep quietly and you should get some sleep to, Mommy, because Baby Bear will only sleep for a little bit and you need your rest.
Me: Bunny, itís winter. You cannot wear that dress without a sweater over it and tights underneath it.
Bunny: Well, this is what I want. I want the short sleeve dress with flip≠flops because itís what I envisioned in my head as perfect and now that Iíve got it in my mind to dress this way I canít imagine any other outfit and if you try to change it youíll RUIN it because Iím a fairy princess and fairy princesses donít wear sweaters or tights.
Me: Fairy princesses dress warmly when itís cold too because they donít want to freeze. Donít you remember what happened to Tinker Belleís wings when she didnít wear her coat? (Thanks for that, Disney!)
Bunny: Now, that makes perfect sense! Iíll go change right away, Mommy. Thanks for making sure all my needs are met. I wouldnít want to lose a limb to frostbite.
Or maybe this:
Bunny: Iíd like to sit in the shopping cart basket seat with my little brother. And Iíd like to get a lollipop. Those are the things I want and nothing else will do. I canít really focus on anything but getting those two things. Mommy, letís stop what weíre doing and take care of that, k?
Me: There isnít room for you in the seat with your brother. Donít you remember you never wanted to sit in there before he sat there? And I love your teeth so much Iím going to say no to the lollipop because I want you to have those teeth for a long time. When you eat too much sugar, you get holes in your teeth. Also, it doesnít make your tummy feel too good.
Bunny: Now that you put it that way, I realize that youíre saying No to me because you love me and you want the best for me. You donít actually want to ruin all my fun. Iíll just walk quietly and calmly next to the shopping cart and I wonít even look at the candy as we walk past it. I also realize that you are on a tight schedule and my stopping to distract you is just going to make us late for the chiropractor appointment later, so I wonít bring anything else up until weíre in the car.
Of course, if things did go that way, parenting would lose some of itís spice. Iíll admit, even when everything is a guessing game and I fall into a bed after a long day and feel like I lost a long wrestling match of the wills, there has never been anything more rewarding than parenting my two, sweet babies. Despite the times I get frustrated at their inability to express themselves, I honestly wouldnít have it any other way.